View Full Version : joke time.....
In the showers for the first time at stamford bridge Torres see's John Terry's **** , "fooooking ell John de siizze of that, no wonder Bridges wife ,she like you yes but how do you get it so biiiiig?" Terry says " ah its an old trick mate, when am goin up the old apples and pairs for a bit of how's ya father i whack it against the bannister all the way up". Torres goes home that night and and starts whacking his **** on the bannister on his way to bed when his missus shouts "john is that you?"
The Lead Shed
i was walking in london when it suddenyl started raining, so i took shelter in a peekaboo sex shop. i paid £50 and was confronted by 3 doors, reading; blonde, brunette or black. i chose blonde, only to be confronted by more doors, reading; small tits, medium tits or big tits. i chose big titd, only to be confronted by yet more doors!! they read; smal c***, large c*** or wet c***. i chose wet c**t...... and found myself back outside in the fecking rain!
Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel
"Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."
Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said;
"Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land."
Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.
Now Camaron has raised my fuel bills and increased Vat to 20%, I got so depressed last night I called the Samaritans, they diverted my call to a call centre in ****stan.
I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three-pound live lobsters - one in each hand.
It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!"
The fisherman says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."
The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained like how?"
"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"
"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Let's take them on down the wharf and see if it's true."
So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, "How about whistling?"
The fisherman says "What For?"
The Fisheries Officer says, " To call in the Lobsters"
The fisherman says, " What Lobsters?"
Truth is often stranger than fiction. Just to follow on from John's lobster tale which was :lol4:
A blood relative of mine invited one of my uncles to go crayfishing with him, as he was visiting at the time. This was in northern Zululand as was known at the time, now just KwaZulu-Natal.
Long and short, they had a glass of wine or two, and it was getting later and later, so my uncle asked as to when they would be going out to do this thing. Answer, looking at his watch, about another hour or so. Uncle was perplexed saying that would be midnight, and was that sensible? Answer was wait and see.
So on the dot of midnight, said relative awakened my uncle from his wine induced torpor, and armed him with a whistle and a torch. Even dazed, uncle said how we going to catch crayfish with these?
Instruction from relative was to say when we get within 100 yards of the rocks, flash your torch and blow your whistle like crazy. Lo and behold it worked. All those that were illegally catching them fled leaving what they had caught behind thinking this was a police raid. Nett result about 50 crayfish. True tale, except I cannot ask for witnesses as all dead now.
Jock O'Connor was the relative and Ted Chadwick the uncle is as far as I can go.
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